Author: Hsieh Ling-hui, LPC-A, supervised by Lin Lü-ning-hua, LPC-S
In my psychological counseling and clinical observation, I frequently encounter families with children with special needs. The parents in these families often dedicate immense effort and love to supporting their children through various challenges related to medical care, rehabilitation, education, and social adaptation. However, while focusing intensely on the needs of children with special needs, another group of family members, often overlooked, silently bears the psychological burden—the children's siblings.
From a psychological development perspective, a child's feelings of being "loved" and "valued" do not stem from how hard their parents work, but rather from whether their parents are willing and able to respond to their emotional needs. When parents focus their emotions and time on their child for an extended period, even if the siblings outwardly understand, they may internally feel excluded, compared to others, or even sacrificed.
Many siblings of children with special needs exhibit a high degree of maturity and understanding in the counseling room. They are aware of the family's special circumstances and know they cannot "add to the trouble," so they learn to suppress their needs and lower their expectations. This premature maturity is known in psychology as "early role assumption," which can easily lead to emotional neglect, decreased self-worth, and even a habit of putting others' needs before their own in interpersonal relationships.
example : Children who grow up too early
Children with special needs require a lot of care and attention, and their siblings can easily become their caregivers.
He might:
- Helping to look after, remind, and translate behaviors
- Apologize on behalf of parents in public
- Subconsciously "considering the bigger picture"
These abilities seem mature, but the price is – childhood is prematurely ended.
Psychological research indicates that when children perceive a significant imbalance in the amount of attention they receive from their parents, they are prone to developing an internal psychological imbalance. This imbalance may not necessarily manifest as overt behavioral problems, but rather as anxiety, guilt, repression, or self-denial. Some siblings may develop a belief that "my needs are unimportant" or "I must behave better to deserve being noticed."
Example: Being assumed to mean "You're more normal, so we should be understanding."
After having a child in the family, many things don't need to be said explicitly; the siblings already understand.
The subtext we often hear is:
"Your younger brother is working harder, could you move aside?"
"He didn't do it on purpose, don't take it to heart."
Over time, siblings will internalize the idea that "my grievances are unimportant." They learn to suppress their anger, jealousy, and even their injuries.
It's worth noting that parents often don't intentionally neglect their siblings; rather, they are driven by the pressures of reality. The high demands placed on children with special needs by the medical and educational systems force parents to continuously invest time and energy. However, from a family systems theory perspective, any member experiencing a prolonged imbalance of attention can negatively impact the overall psychological stability of the family.
Example: The one that can't have a problem.
Because the family is already "exhausted enough," Te'er's siblings will push themselves to do their best.
I often think:
"I can't let my parents worry anymore."
"If something happens to me, this family will fall apart."
So they hid all their anxiety, depression, and cries for help.
In my clinical experience, I often see siblings experiencing conflicting emotions towards their parents: on the one hand, they understand their parents' hardships, but on the other hand, they cannot suppress their inner resentment and disappointment. If such emotions are not recognized for a long time, they can easily turn into a sense of distance from the family and even affect the long-term trust in the parent-child relationship.
Example: Love and guilt are intertwined
Many children with disabilities actually love their brothers and sisters very much, but at the same time they also have feelings that they can't express.
Something like:
- Jealousy of wanting to be seen more
- The desire to escape family
- Fear of future caregiving responsibilities
And these emotions are often sealed off by a single sentence:
Am I being selfish by thinking this way?
Therefore, I want to especially remind parents of children with special needs: "Equality" does not mean being exactly the same, but rather that each child's emotional needs are taken seriously. What siblings need is not the same care as children with special needs, but the affirmation that "you are important too."
Example: Nobody ever asks, "How are you doing?"
All resources, attention, and professional involvement are focused on Te'er.
Siblings are rarely asked:
"Don't you find it tiring too?"
"Do you need help?"
They became children who were functionally normal, but whose emotions were ignored.
In practice, it is recommended that parents deliberately schedule dedicated time with their siblings. This time doesn't need to be long, but it must possess three key psychological elements:
First, focus – parents’ attention is truly on their children;
Second, stability – let the child know that this is not occasional compensation;
Third, the sense of being responded to – the child's emotions are heard and accepted.
When parents don't spend time paying attention to their child's siblings, the child's internal imbalance doesn't disappear automatically. Instead, it may surface later in adolescence or adulthood in a delayed manner. This is one of the reasons why some adult siblings are prone to over-giving, blurred boundaries, or emotional estrangement in their relationships.
Furthermore, in daily communication, parents should avoid placing too much emotional responsibility on their siblings, such as excessively demanding understanding and maturity, or unconsciously transferring family pressures onto them. A healthy family relationship allows children to be themselves within safe boundaries, rather than becoming their emotional support system.
Finally, I would like to invite all parents of children with special needs to view each child in their family from a longer-term psychological perspective. Children with special needs need resources and support, but siblings also need companionship and understanding. When parents are willing to reserve emotional space for each child within the limitations of reality, the resilience of the family will increase accordingly.
Children won't automatically grow up healthy just because their parents are busy, but they will learn how to understand others because they are understood.
Te's siblings weren't "better off," but rather they endured it more quietly. Seeing them doesn't mean dumping responsibility on them.
Instead, it allows them to be vulnerable, to complain, and to simply be children.
May this article serve as a gentle starting point for families with children with special needs to re-examine "how love is distributed".