Lin Lu Ninghua (Director of Jiaosheng Counseling Center)
Elders in churches or Chinese communities often ask me how to establish effective communication with their adult children. I feel that the root of the problem is that when parents get along with their adult children, they always feel that "he is my son" and "she is my daughter"; but the children feel that they are adults and expect to establish an "adult-to-adult" relationship with their parents. communication, but there are many examples of things going against expectations.
Adult children feel that their parents constantly push them and even criticize them for poor performance, which seriously affects communication. Children need their parents' companionship and support at different stages of life, such as the birth of their first son, promotion, job change, etc. When they happily take their spouses and children home to visit their parents, they naturally think that they should be free and casual when they return to their own homes. Unfortunately, the two generations often have different living habits and cultures, and they are not mutually exclusive. Understand that misunderstandings and friction can easily result.
Parents must learn to let go and rest assured
Having worked in a university for 20 to 30 years, I often see parents who are worried and won't let go; I have seen mothers calling their children non-stop when they enter university, asking them to report what they have done in university. What kind of friends make children feel that they are not mature enough to face college life. In fact, what adult children need is "confidence." If even their parents have no confidence in them, how can they have the confidence to face their own lives?
Communication requires listening and respecting each other
The Bible says: "But each of you should be quick to listen and slow to speak..." (James 1:19) This is a very important principle - listening is more important than preaching. Adult children understand many things, they just choose to live in their own way; listening more and understanding more will definitely improve their relationship.
Good communication also requires mutual respect, and parents must learn to accept their children's opinions. When we get along with our colleagues, neighbors, store clerks, and teachers of our grandchildren, we will respect them because the other person is an adult; but when facing our children, we forget that they have grown up, and they still speak with an authoritative tone and speak with authority. The top-down approach makes children feel disrespected. In addition, if our children do not ask us, we do not need to give our opinions. I know an elderly person who is very popular with her children, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. When I asked her if she had any secrets, she said: "Just two words: "Shut up." Just try to keep silent. "
Change communication patterns
The following questions may help you communicate with your adult children:
- When our children do something, we might as well say: "Are you very happy and satisfied by doing this?" Let him tell the reasons behind it and understand what he is thinking by listening.
- Don't say: "I think..." because the child will think that the parents still treat him like a child. We can say it another way: "Some people do this!" "What will your friends do?" "Have you considered it? This plan?" In this way, we can discuss it together! Remember, just use a sharing tone to guide him to think.
Even if your children don't greet them often, don't send flowers on Mother's Day, or even if their methods of doing things are different from ours, don't think that your children only care about themselves, no longer love their parents, or don't respect their parents... These thoughts can trigger negative emotions, and it's easy to do so. Let it out when communicating with each other.
Parents should accept and be considerate of their children
Young people who grew up in Western culture simply do not understand that the Mid-Autumn Festival, Winter Solstice, Lunar New Year, etc. are family reunion days, so they may not necessarily participate. At this time, we must remain calm and not criticize or blame arbitrarily like a judge, otherwise Children will gradually become alienated because their parents do not understand; we can always tell them that you are proud of them.
- Set common goals together and be honest with each other
Parents and adult children need to move forward together, grow together, and treat each other with sincerity. Many elderly parents hide their health conditions or problems for fear that their children will not understand or worry. Parents need to confess to their children, because children have the responsibility to take care of their parents and help their parents solve the difficulties they encounter in old age, so that their children can fulfill their responsibilities and reduce regrets in the future.
Increase depth of communication
In North America, we do encounter many difficulties when communicating with our children. Language is a big problem. When I talk to the elderly, they feel that it’s not that they don’t want to speak, but that they don’t speak English well, but their children can’t communicate in Chinese either. How to overcome the language problem in this process is indeed very nerve-wracking. In fact, we might as well use some computer software to help us write some text messages in Chinese, then translate them into English, and then send them to our children; and they can also use the same software to translate what they want to say into Chinese and convey it to their parents, so that Can increase more in-depth communication.
Another difficulty in communicating with our adult children is that we are very distant from our children. If we didn’t accompany them well when they were young and didn’t spend a lot of time together, when they grow up, they won’t be used to going home often and won’t like to get together with us. This requires a longer period of time to rebuild a close relationship.
Don’t manipulate financially or emotionally
As adult children grow up, they will have their own careers and marriages, so they must also pay attention to the relationship between their in-laws. How to establish a good relationship with their daughter-in-law or son-in-law, and their parents is important. When adult children have problems in their marriage, the marriage is on the rocks, or even divorce, we must adopt a non-critical and non-judgmental attitude, but rather accompany and help them through the difficulties.
Adult children are still very afraid that their parents will manipulate them emotionally or financially, or sometimes parents hope to use money to change their children's behavior. For example, if parents feel that the house their children bought is not good, they are willing to give money to change their decision. In fact, this will make the other person feel very hurt. I hope that parents can let go and let them build their own lives instead of using our money to continue to influence their decisions.
Don't be emotionally kidnapped
On the other hand, don't engage in emotional kidnapping. Don't say, "I lose my temper when my child doesn't call home." Or tell him, "I feel lonely and alone because you ignore your parents." These emotional manipulations can make it difficult for adult children to communicate with us. . We need to establish our own social groups, grow in the church, and participate in more volunteer services so that we can have a rich life and not become an emotional burden to our children. Beyond that, we continue to learn how to be there for them. Whether adult children are 30, 40, or 50 years old, they still need the affirmation and acceptance of their parents. Children’s gifts, talents, life plans, directions, and goals all come from God, so we can become his “cheerleaders” through understanding, acceptance, and support, helping them know that their parents will always support them on the road to life. They use understanding and acceptance more than guidance, advice, criticism or judgment, so that our relationship will gradually change from alienation to smoothness and intimacy.
Do not compare with other children
In the process of communicating with adult children, they are very concerned about their parents comparing themselves with their brothers and sisters, because the comparison process will bring out a message, that is: "I am not good enough." So when we talk to one of our children When together, don't criticize them or praise other children. Without comparison, they will reduce a lot of psychological pressure; and do not criticize other brothers and sisters in front of adult children, otherwise it will create disrespect and discord between brothers and sisters, which is not the outcome we want as parents.
Give way to your daughter-in-law and son-in-law
Finally, when adult children have grown up, have started a family, and have their own marriage, as parents, we must know how to find our place. Because the Bible says: "...a man will leave his father and mother...and the two will become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) But many times it is the parents who refuse to leave! Children have always been asked to recognize that their parents still have the highest status in their family. In fact, this will cause a lot of conflicts and frictions in their marriages. We need to give in to our daughter-in-law and son-in-law. Don't be the most important person in their life. Never take sides when a couple quarrels or has conflicts. We simply continue to support, encourage, and affirm them and help them build a strong family life, and that is the greatest gift we can give our adult children.
The last and most important thing is to help us pray for our children when they hear the struggles and challenges they encounter on the road of life, because "the prayer of a righteous person has great effect." Our adults and children all need us to pray for them. Protection and backing in life.
Here I wish readers to develop deeper relationships with our adult children and enjoy the blessings of children and grandchildren in 2025.