Author – Meng En
I am a Christian who has believed in the Lord for nearly twenty years. I am ashamed to say it, but to say that I am “frozen in age” in terms of spiritual growth is an understatement. Although I was moved when I first heard the call, and cried when I heard the song "Amazing Grace", when faced with various setbacks in life, my instinctive reaction was to deal with them with my own strength, and life became more and more difficult. Tired, and further and further away from God.
Especially last year, I faced varying degrees of challenges in my work, life and health. Coupled with the death of a good friend, my anxiety disorder became more and more serious. For a long time, I woke up at two or three o'clock every night, tossing and turning, and could no longer fall asleep. Thinking of the intense work the next day made me even more panicked. At its worst, I couldn't even finish a short prayer. From time to time there is a voice in my head saying to me, what does God’s grace have to do with you? You are not worthy of the salvation of Jesus. You are the unfruitful vine that will be cut off. This mental state eventually caused me to have various physical problems, starting with frequent inexplicable stomachaches and heart palpitations. Then there is hyperlipidemia. In the final physical examination, it was found that there were suspected cancers or nodules in two areas that required surgery and review. Ask various specialists, and the earliest one will be mid-January this year. At that time, my despair and helplessness reached its peak, and I felt that my own strength had been exhausted.
Fortunately God has not abandoned me. I was not left alone. When I was most helpless, I sent a WeChat message to the teacher’s wife in our church asking for help. My wife was very busy, but she quickly made an appointment with me to talk on the phone, patiently listened to my story, and prayed with me. I told my wife, please help me pray so that I can hold on to God. My wife told me very firmly: If you don’t hold on to God, God will hold on to you. This sentence instantly gave me an infinite sense of security. As a single mother who has struggled alone in the United States for many years, it turns out that I am not alone. It turns out that no matter how weak I am, God will never abandon me or give up on me. Suddenly I had the strength to pray. With everyone’s urging, I decided to officially join Fortune Church and found a particularly good Bible study group. Our district pastor and cell leader gave me a lot of spiritual and life care and guidance. The group has also been praying for me.
My wife’s words also made me realize that God has actually done a lot of work in me, but I was too dependent on myself and didn’t realize it. During one Sunday service, the church invited a pastor from Africa to testify about God’s guidance and salvation in the sufferings of his life. I originally listened to the sermon with a depressed mood. But God told me through him: God takes care of widows and orphans. When I was at my weakest, God allowed me to find a group of Christian Chinese sisters at my workplace to pray for and comfort each other. Even more fortunately, our church happened to be holding a life renewal camp at this time, and Pastor Jianqin encouraged me to participate. In the camp, everyone read and studied the Bible together, worshiped and prayed, and truly felt the power of the Holy Spirit's presence. My follower happened to be my district pastor, and he stayed with me all the time for three days, helping me confess my sins and repent, break the curse of sin, and renew my life.
I encountered many setbacks in 2023, but luckily it turned out to be a blessing to me in the end. Thank you Heavenly Father and Jesus for not giving up on me. Over the years, even when I was weak, I never gave up praying and supplicating God. God holds me tightly. No matter the high mountains or low valleys, there are always Christians in my life who surround me and help me so that I never stray away from God. After learning about my situation, sisters constantly prayed for me and helped me provide information about possible specialists. My appointment time was magically mentioned in early December. The final review results were all benign. More importantly, I found incredible peace from God. Because I have the Holy Spirit with me, I am full of joy while waiting, and I no longer panic when doing things. Whenever I pray, God will always let the Holy Spirit guide me step by step and help me get out of the trough. God’s grace is truly enough for me. When we can let go of ourselves and turn entirely to God, the Holy Spirit will lead us out of our lost ways.
On the surface, I am a talkative person, but deep down I have very low self-esteem and very social fear. So preaching the gospel is extremely difficult for me. But God’s works are amazing. Two of my good friends who had not been to church for a long time began to return to church to worship because they had witnessed my entire journey from anxiety to joy. Although the other one hasn’t come back yet, she sent me a message specifically, saying, “It’s so good to see that you have the care of the church.” I believe that God’s power will surely cause the mustard seeds in her heart to germinate. I will also continue to pray to God to give me the wisdom and courage to go out and preach the gospel.
"But those who wait on the Lord will regain their strength. They will soar with wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint." In 2024, I will live for the Lord, obey God, listen and follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Follow the example of the love of the Lord Jesus Christ and participate more in church and group service. You will no longer be "frozen in age". You must continue to renew and grow in Christ and be a useful vessel for the Lord.
Amen!